Sending a question out into the cosmos
Today, despite the fact that I am the cafe intern and not a student ministries intern, I agreed to help one of our student ministries staff members by cutting about 1100 flyers on the paper cutter. He asked me because I am extremely precise with the paper cutter. I agreed because a) he is also the director of interns, b)I didn’t have a whole lot else to do this afternoon and generally like to help people, and c) I don’t know how to say ‘no’. An hour after I had finished, he came to me and said, “Melissa I’m such an idiot. I goofed up bad. The date isn’t on them, I forgot to put it on. Can you help me re-do them?” What he really meant by that was, could I stay late and do them all over again all by myself, because he was gong to be late to help his wife with a back-to-school carnival the school she teaches at is having, and oh by the way could I also give him marital advice (i.e. how to fix the fact that he was going to be 45 minutes late when he’d promised to be there). And of course said yes, because I can’t say no. And besides I don’t have anyone to go home for anyways so I may as well be here working as at home watching the tube.
He was really grateful and everything, and I couldn’t feel too bad about it, and I really did want him to be able to spend the evening with his wife. But then he said something; “Make me look good to my wife if she talks to you about this, ok guys?” And that frustrated me. I mean, this is me we’re talking about. I’m that nice girl who doesn’t take money for house sitting. That nice girl who picks up peoples cafe shifts on the Fourth of July because hey, it doesn’t matter; she’s the intern and is from out of town, so she’s the one who doesn’t have any family to spend it with anyways. That nice girl who baby-sits for young couples who don’t have any money for free on February 14th so that they can actually afford to go out on Valentine’s Day for once. This is what I do; this is who I am. Did he really think I would say something mean about him to his wife of one-and-a-half years? So why doesn’t he just leave already and go see his wife so that I can at least feel as if I’ve accomplished something this evening!
And then I get comments like “That shows such a servants’ heart” from the ladies on the administrative staff when I offer to sort the mail for them, and I have to wonder, does it? Or are my motivations totally self-centered after all? Is it just that I realize that my only three talents– boring office work, event planning, and making a mean vanilla latte– are pretty mundane and not likely to bring me many accollades? I like to help people, sure, but maybe I’m “nice” to people all the time because I am lonely a lot of the time, and I’m subconsciously proceeding on the vague premise that if I keep doing things for people, then maybe someday someone somewhere will finally notice, and appreciate that and think that I’m something special for it. And should I feel bad about that one? Because we’re not supposed to find our worth in others, but in God, and God certainly says that we can’t earn His seal of approval; it’s just granted to us when we accept it by faith. And as the ’strong, modern, independent woman’ I supposedly am, why on earth do I care about having others affirmation in the first place?
I don’t really need any comments on this post. I’m just sending this question out into the cosmic void because somehow, it needed a voice.
