Mixed Moss

I’m having a case of the mean reds. This is not when Lou Pinella smashes a toilet. This is like getting the blues, only worse. In “Breakfast at Tiffanys,” Holly Golightly says: “…the blues are because you’re getting fat or because it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?”

Well I’m afraid. Not of anything in particular…well, maybe. I’m afraid of getting found out. Exposed. For the weak little ball of faults that I really am. I’m sick of what I do and who I know and where I live and, worst of all, who I am. I’m plain old sick of myself, because life is good and the world is a beautiful place, but look how I’ve made a mess of things! If only I could go away and just start over. Wouldn’t that be grand?

Luckily it should pass soon. Only…what happens when my parents wake up some day and discover that I’m not all they think me to be? What a let down that’ll be. I don’t look forward to that day. And I don’t envy them. I try to drop hints, let them down slowly.

Ah well. They’ll learn, I suppose, and so will I, and that’s all we can really do in life, as Christians at any rate: keep learning what a fool we’ve been, and try to fix our mistakes; try to do a little better ourselves and extend a little more grace and compassion to others every day. For now, I’m going to go to bed and try not to think about the ways I’ve screwed up– and see how long sleep will evade me for this time.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 20th, 2005 at 11:27 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.