A (Very) Rough Draft
Hell and High Water
As a kid, the monsters under the bed weren’t real
But now that I’m older there’s still fear to feel
And this time the fear just might be justified.
You see, I’m afraid to tell the truth;
Not everyone in the world’s a friend like Ruth.
Can I trust you now? And if you go away will I ever trust again?
We can laugh and we can play
But in the end I always run away
For fear of being discovered and exposed.
We can talk about an Ark of stuff
But still never get beyond cotton candy fluff;
In the end I put it off until another day.
Throw a dart, win a prize
And when the dart hits home, never look in your eyes
I’ve won! But what did my carnival teddy bear cost?ÂÂ
Arms’ distance is the place for me
A your-dance-space my-dance-space philosophy
But deep inside all I want is to be close.
I’m afraid to move another step
To the left or right or straight ahead
And I can’t go back ‘cause time, like a chess board has its rules
So I hide in a dark room in my heart
And when I come out I read a script, play a part:
The clever, sarcastic woman who has never cried.
I’ve boarded up the windows and readied supplies
And now I cower and wait inside
For the hurricane to hit, the storm to strike
Surrounded by the lies I’ve told
With nothing but a teddy bear to hold
Four walls to keep in fear and out everything I like.
The ultimate truth I’ve already seen
You’d think that it would set me free
But any lie or fear is enough to keep me inside.
Part of me hopes it falls down around my ears
This shack I’ve constructed with cardboard and tears
I’d have nothing left, but then at least I’d be out.
You see, Hell has already come
But maybe high water would save me from
The personal New Orleans I’ve built.
A helicopter, of grace a proof
Might pluck me from the roof
Of the drowning house I made from my feelings of guilt.
Will you rescue me for love’s sweet sake
Once you’ve found out I’m a liar and a fake?
This is a game where there are no hard and fast rules.
And can I be strong and can I be brave
And will it all be enough to save
My soul? If not I’ll have played us both for fools.
But it doesn’t matter where I roam
I know I’ll never have a home
Until someone knows me and loves me anyway.
Come hell or high water will love wade through?
I just need to know what’s true.
April 25th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Love it. In my own stuff I confess I avoid rhyming like the plague…. well… usually anyway… just a personal preference.
Does “very rough draft” mean you will tweak it? Open to suggestions? Sometimes (I confess again) I will call something a “rough draft” as an insulator or “out”, even though I may not change anything in the end… because it just feels so vulnerable to put myself out there.
I used to be part of a small informal bunch of people who would critique and constructively criticize each others poetry… till friendships nearly ended over it!!
In my young adult cafe ministry I have a periodic event called “soulspresso” which is our art/creative night. Would you be open to having this poem read there? Better yet you could video yourself reading it and we’ll show it! No pressure… just love putting wild ideas out there.
nooc
April 25th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Confound you, you saw through me! Yes, calling it very rough was my “out.” But it was also true. In fact, it was written six hours ago. They usually undergo an evolution over a few days, but I felt compelled to post it early. Please, do give me feedback. But be gentle, I’ve never had an editor before. Tell me what works for you and what doesn’t. I’ve gotten the sense down, but I think I need to change some words. I’ve thrown around the idea of entirely recasting it as blank or free verse. Usually don’t rhyme either; in fact not even my meters are very consistent. They are all over the chart, for the most part.
As for showing it on video, sure, why not? Nobody up there in Canada knows me; if it falls flat, I’ll never know. None of the risk, all of the flattered vanity of having it heard (and I am absurdly tickled that you suggested it). What’s not to love? Maybe I’ll even get a few new Vox or email buddies out of it. I have some better ones on my “poetry” page, though (see my sidebar…which is actually my “beneath” bar again at the moment…what’s up with that?). My roommate has a video camera but she’s a free-lance photographer and videographer, so she’s often busy. Let me work on that one. I like wild ideas. Especially when they involve Voxtropolitans sharing their lives together from thousands of miles apart.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:59 pm
I use the idiot savant approach to (hopefully) constructively criticizing poetry. That is, I know nothing and am fine with my opinions being utterly disregarded. To me the worst thing ever would be someone changing something because I said so even if they themselves don’t see the need. If you don’t feel it in your own bones then don’t change it! My own reponse to 95% of the suggestions I’ve received in the past is “you’re wrong - I’m not changing it.”
Enough disclaimer? As for this poem there was just two lines that I wondered about: the chessboard line and the hard and fast rules line. I’m not sure what it is about them… if I just found the wording or length or tempo of them a bit awkward… or if they felt a bit incongruous to the thought in that stanza… or if there was some unrealized potential there… that is, using different metaphors there might be more impacting. So there you go… opinions but no suggestions… probably not terribly helpful…. did you survive my critique unscathed?
As for getting a vid of you reading a poem that would be so fun! And hey it doesn’t have to be this one…. do whichever poem you like best. The vid itself can be whatever you want… simple or creative… hey you could be the pioneer of a whole new genre: “The poetry video”… like a music video but with a poem instead of a song. Well maybe those are already out there.
ANYWAY… If you do one… it would be great if you could greet my group and intro yourself a little before you recite the poem… always gives a more personal feel between the artist and the listener, IMHO.
Something like “Hi Greg…” (my young adults will think I’m cool because I know a poet personally) “… and hi Stir….” (our group is called “Stir”) “I’m blah blah blah and I live in blah blah blah and I work at blah blah blah [or whatever you want to tell us about yourself] and this is a poem I wrote that I want to share with you…” cue the time-lapse photography of clouds rolling through the sky over the mountains at sunset as you recite your poem. You know…. something like that.
Seriously though - just whatever you’re comfortable with.
nooc
April 26th, 2006 at 10:37 am
I’ve been a little slow in responding because I wasn’t completely connecting with the rhythm myself. That’s probably more me than your writing as I’m still learning how to value poetry well. Maybe one of those video files will leak it’s way into sight at some point and I’ll fully connect with it.
I agree that the chess board line is probably the one line that doesn’t have some thematic tie with an otherwise cool, interconnected poem. I don’t know if there would be a way to tie in carnival game rules into that line or not, but it might help.