Comments on: A (Very) Rough Draft http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/ the haphazard record of a life lived large Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:14:54 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 By: Parke http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-86 Parke Wed, 26 Apr 2006 15:37:54 +0000 http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-86 I've been a little slow in responding because I wasn't completely connecting with the rhythm myself. That's probably more me than your writing as I'm still learning how to value poetry well. Maybe one of those video files will leak it's way into sight at some point and I'll fully connect with it. I agree that the chess board line is probably the one line that doesn't have some thematic tie with an otherwise cool, interconnected poem. I don't know if there would be a way to tie in carnival game rules into that line or not, but it might help. I’ve been a little slow in responding because I wasn’t completely connecting with the rhythm myself. That’s probably more me than your writing as I’m still learning how to value poetry well. Maybe one of those video files will leak it’s way into sight at some point and I’ll fully connect with it.

I agree that the chess board line is probably the one line that doesn’t have some thematic tie with an otherwise cool, interconnected poem. I don’t know if there would be a way to tie in carnival game rules into that line or not, but it might help.

]]> By: nooc http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-81 nooc Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:59:46 +0000 http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-81 I use the idiot savant approach to (hopefully) constructively criticizing poetry. That is, I know nothing and am fine with my opinions being utterly disregarded. To me the worst thing ever would be someone changing something because I said so even if they themselves don't see the need. If you don't feel it in your own bones then don't change it! My own reponse to 95% of the suggestions I've received in the past is "you're wrong - I'm not changing it." :D Enough disclaimer? As for this poem there was just two lines that I wondered about: the chessboard line and the hard and fast rules line. I'm not sure what it is about them... if I just found the wording or length or tempo of them a bit awkward... or if they felt a bit incongruous to the thought in that stanza... or if there was some unrealized potential there... that is, using different metaphors there might be more impacting. So there you go... opinions but no suggestions... probably not terribly helpful.... did you survive my critique unscathed? As for getting a vid of you reading a poem that would be so fun! And hey it doesn't have to be this one.... do whichever poem you like best. The vid itself can be whatever you want... simple or creative... hey you could be the pioneer of a whole new genre: "The poetry video"... like a music video but with a poem instead of a song. Well maybe those are already out there. ANYWAY... If you do one... it would be great if you could greet my group and intro yourself a little before you recite the poem... always gives a more personal feel between the artist and the listener, IMHO. Something like "Hi Greg..." (my young adults will think I'm cool because I know a poet personally) "... and hi Stir...." (our group is called "Stir") "I'm blah blah blah and I live in blah blah blah and I work at blah blah blah [or whatever you want to tell us about yourself] and this is a poem I wrote that I want to share with you..." cue the time-lapse photography of clouds rolling through the sky over the mountains at sunset as you recite your poem. You know.... something like that. :) Seriously though - just whatever you're comfortable with. nooc I use the idiot savant approach to (hopefully) constructively criticizing poetry. That is, I know nothing and am fine with my opinions being utterly disregarded. To me the worst thing ever would be someone changing something because I said so even if they themselves don’t see the need. If you don’t feel it in your own bones then don’t change it! My own reponse to 95% of the suggestions I’ve received in the past is “you’re wrong - I’m not changing it.” :D

Enough disclaimer? As for this poem there was just two lines that I wondered about: the chessboard line and the hard and fast rules line. I’m not sure what it is about them… if I just found the wording or length or tempo of them a bit awkward… or if they felt a bit incongruous to the thought in that stanza… or if there was some unrealized potential there… that is, using different metaphors there might be more impacting. So there you go… opinions but no suggestions… probably not terribly helpful…. did you survive my critique unscathed?

As for getting a vid of you reading a poem that would be so fun! And hey it doesn’t have to be this one…. do whichever poem you like best. The vid itself can be whatever you want… simple or creative… hey you could be the pioneer of a whole new genre: “The poetry video”… like a music video but with a poem instead of a song. Well maybe those are already out there.

ANYWAY… If you do one… it would be great if you could greet my group and intro yourself a little before you recite the poem… always gives a more personal feel between the artist and the listener, IMHO.

Something like “Hi Greg…” (my young adults will think I’m cool because I know a poet personally) “… and hi Stir….” (our group is called “Stir”) “I’m blah blah blah and I live in blah blah blah and I work at blah blah blah [or whatever you want to tell us about yourself] and this is a poem I wrote that I want to share with you…” cue the time-lapse photography of clouds rolling through the sky over the mountains at sunset as you recite your poem. You know…. something like that. :)

Seriously though - just whatever you’re comfortable with.

nooc

]]> By: mixedmoss http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-80 mixedmoss Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:11:27 +0000 http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-80 Confound you, you saw through me! Yes, calling it very rough was my "out." But it was also true. In fact, it was written six hours ago. They usually undergo an evolution over a few days, but I felt compelled to post it early. Please, do give me feedback. But be gentle, I've never had an editor before. Tell me what works for you and what doesn't. I've gotten the sense down, but I think I need to change some words. I've thrown around the idea of entirely recasting it as blank or free verse. Usually don't rhyme either; in fact not even my meters are very consistent. They are all over the chart, for the most part. As for showing it on video, sure, why not? Nobody up there in Canada knows me; if it falls flat, I'll never know. None of the risk, all of the flattered vanity of having it heard (and I am absurdly tickled that you suggested it). What's not to love? Maybe I'll even get a few new Vox or email buddies out of it. I have some better ones on my "poetry" page, though (see my sidebar...which is actually my "beneath" bar again at the moment...what's up with that?). My roommate has a video camera but she's a free-lance photographer and videographer, so she's often busy. Let me work on that one. I like wild ideas. Especially when they involve Voxtropolitans sharing their lives together from thousands of miles apart. :-) Confound you, you saw through me! Yes, calling it very rough was my “out.” But it was also true. In fact, it was written six hours ago. They usually undergo an evolution over a few days, but I felt compelled to post it early. Please, do give me feedback. But be gentle, I’ve never had an editor before. Tell me what works for you and what doesn’t. I’ve gotten the sense down, but I think I need to change some words. I’ve thrown around the idea of entirely recasting it as blank or free verse. Usually don’t rhyme either; in fact not even my meters are very consistent. They are all over the chart, for the most part.

As for showing it on video, sure, why not? Nobody up there in Canada knows me; if it falls flat, I’ll never know. None of the risk, all of the flattered vanity of having it heard (and I am absurdly tickled that you suggested it). What’s not to love? Maybe I’ll even get a few new Vox or email buddies out of it. I have some better ones on my “poetry” page, though (see my sidebar…which is actually my “beneath” bar again at the moment…what’s up with that?). My roommate has a video camera but she’s a free-lance photographer and videographer, so she’s often busy. Let me work on that one. I like wild ideas. Especially when they involve Voxtropolitans sharing their lives together from thousands of miles apart. :-)

]]> By: nooc http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-78 nooc Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:34:08 +0000 http://mixedmoss.voxtropolis.com/2006/04/25/a-very-rough-draft/#comment-78 Love it. In my own stuff I confess I avoid rhyming like the plague.... well... usually anyway... just a personal preference. :) Does "very rough draft" mean you will tweak it? Open to suggestions? Sometimes (I confess again) I will call something a "rough draft" as an insulator or "out", even though I may not change anything in the end... because it just feels so vulnerable to put myself out there. I used to be part of a small informal bunch of people who would critique and constructively criticize each others poetry... till friendships nearly ended over it!! In my young adult cafe ministry I have a periodic event called "soulspresso" which is our art/creative night. Would you be open to having this poem read there? Better yet you could video yourself reading it and we'll show it! No pressure... just love putting wild ideas out there. :) nooc Love it. In my own stuff I confess I avoid rhyming like the plague…. well… usually anyway… just a personal preference. :)

Does “very rough draft” mean you will tweak it? Open to suggestions? Sometimes (I confess again) I will call something a “rough draft” as an insulator or “out”, even though I may not change anything in the end… because it just feels so vulnerable to put myself out there.

I used to be part of a small informal bunch of people who would critique and constructively criticize each others poetry… till friendships nearly ended over it!!

In my young adult cafe ministry I have a periodic event called “soulspresso” which is our art/creative night. Would you be open to having this poem read there? Better yet you could video yourself reading it and we’ll show it! No pressure… just love putting wild ideas out there. :)

nooc

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